Emotional Indecision

Recently, I sat my current work in progress (novel) aside. I will be traveling to the place where the book is set in a few months and I was at a place in it where I needed to go absorb and move among the setting to revise some of my scenes as well as fill in some chapters.
I also needed to go deeper into my protagonist’s psyche.
So, the question mulling around in my head has been: How would she feel about the event that propels her into the new life she is about to embark on?

In the meantime, I have been working on other projects.

In my personal life, I’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster due to a family event that has stirred old emotions, old patterns and has brought up some deep anger. Childhood stuff. Has been dealt with. (do we ever really fully get over that stuff??)

Well, now I can see that I dealt with as much as I could up to this point. This new event has me seeing that some more stuff lies deep down and I am now ready to deal with it. As a matter of fact, next week, I am going to participate in a soul retrieval ritual. The signs are there that whatever else had broken off from me due to certain traumas, I think I am now ready to re-attach.

Today, I drew the 3 of Hearts from the regular playing deck. When I draw from this deck, it is specifically for work and I set the intention of the draw as that. What is going on in relationship to my work? To my creativity?
At first I was puzzled by the card – it is about creative self expression. It is also about emotional indecisiveness.
Trying to see how it fit with the writer/artist life, I was looking at scattered energies creating indecision. But, as my daughter and I were eating pancakes, I told her about the card draw and how I was pondering what it meant. Her response was: “That’s exactly what you have been going through.”
“True, but the card is not my personal draw, it is for work, I need to see it in relationship to creativity.” I replied.

We talked about how we both have so many projects going on and how we do get scattered to the point of not being able to sit down and get something done.

But, then it hit me.

I wanted to know how my character would feel…I mean…really feel and react to what she was being thrown into. Now I know.
Seeing what I have been feeling and how I have been reacting-emotionally indecisive- I can take that and apply it to my character.

Our characters can’t spend days hemming and hawing and drowning in emotions – they have to make decisions and get going, otherwise the story goes no where. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if our personal lives were like the books we read-we get thrust into some nasty ordeal, but we do something; we move forward; we make a choice; take a step and get going.

And isn’t that the point of storytelling? It helps us learn to deal with things. We watch the characters deal with pain, sadness, anger, grief or impossible ordeals and we watch them take action.

If I went through what my character did and I had to make the choices that she has to make, heck, I’d still be back in her bed, tossing and crying and curled up in a little ball pondering: what should I do???

I’m glad I’ve had this experience in my own life come along at this time to allow me to know how my character would feel. I can now write about the emotional and physical sensations and what trauma does to you. I wanted to know and I got my answer.

I’m also glad that because I am writing and I have to make my character take action- I also have insight into moving forward.

Those rascally little card draws…how dare it mix my personal stuff into my work….;)